improving boss relationships

It is said that people don’t leave bad jobs, they leave bad bosses. However, there isn’t always the opportunity to leave a bad boss. More often, we have to examine our responsibility in this workplace relationship and figure out how to adjust our own behavior. If you have an awkward, negative, or just plain bad relationship with your boss, and you give it too much power, that negativity can seep into other parts of your life and hurt your career. How do you manage working for someone that you’d rather not be working with at all?

The fundamental problem with interpersonal relationships is that you can’t control others. The good news is that you can control your reaction to others and your actions when dealing with them. The relationship you have with your boss is important – they have control over your career path and your day-to-day responsibilities. If you have a decent relationship with your boss, you might find that you can still improve how you communicate and work with them. If you’re regularly butting heads with your boss, you might find that you fundamentally don’t agree with their management style, their ethics, their strategy, or you do not get along with them on a personal level. 

I came across this timely article today, citing that a bad boss can really impact your life, even after you aren’t working for them anymore. It also mentions how leaders have a role in ensuring they aren’t contributing to a toxic work environment by hiring or not addressing bad bosses. Organizational Psychology Shows the Fallout From Working for a Toxic Boss Can Last Up to 10 Years | Inc.com

Analyze the relationship

You can start by objectively analyzing the relationship you have with your boss. If it helps, clear your mind and make a physical list as you think through these questions and analyze the situation. Look for patterns in any conflicts that have arisen, while evaluating your boss’s behavior and your behavior. 

Consider the times you and your boss have not worked best together. These could be situations where you and your boss had a serious conflict, your boss took an action you disagreed with, or you just simply did not feel heard by your boss. Try to think through one example at a time while answering the following questions:

• What was the situation or what was the conflict in the situation?
• How did your boss handle the situation? And what did you expect your boss to do in the situation? (In other words, did you expect them to do something different than what they did?)
• How did you react or handle the situation? (In other words, did you handle yourself the best you could?)
• What was the result of the situation? (For example, Was the business impacted?)
• What qualities or actions of yourself contributed to the situation or conflict?
• What qualities or actions of your boss contributed to the situation or conflict?

After you have analyzed a few situations using the questions above, you can take action and be strategic in improving the relationship you have with your boss. There are tactical ways to address the situation that will give you the results you’re looking for, without proverbially setting everything on fire. 

I’ve posted before about the traits of “bad bosses” but ask yourself – Do you consider yourself coachable and manageable? If you are finding that you are encountering an endless string of bad bosses, it is time to be introspective and ask yourself if you are open to feedback and change. It’s nearly impossible to get along with someone who is supposed to guide you towards success if you aren’t open to receiving any direction. Begin by asking yourself if you might be responsible in any way – Are you contributing to the conflict?

Take Action

For each of the situations that you analyzed above, try to identify a throughline, a theme in your disagreements, or patterns of behavior exhibited by yourself or your boss. You should be able to identify actions you can take to manage the situation better next time. If you can be truly objective, try to identify some “lessons learned” for each of these interactions.

The throughline you draw in your analysis of your relationship with your boss may fall into one of these four buckets, in which case, consider the approaches outlined below:

You don’t get along with your boss on a personal level: Communicate with them based on facts, tasks, and results only. When you’re accountable to someone who you just don’t like (and maybe they just don’t like you too) you have to remove all emotions from the transaction and just deal with the facts and the task at hand.

You want to be able to have more respectful discourse with your boss: When talking to your boss, be sure to use “I” statements and not “you” statements. For example, instead of saying to your boss, “You said the goal was …” you can say “It was my understanding based on our last conversation that the goal was…” “You” statements can come off as accusatory and disrespectful, and at the end of the day, you are only in charge of yourself and your behavior. 

Your boss is inconsistent with direction: Have you ever completed a task that your boss asked you to do, to have your boss ask you why you did it in the first place? Every time you are given direction, restate what is being asked and put it in writing back to them to document the conversation. This comes in extremely handy with a boss who seems to change their mind every day. Whether it is due to their ability to remember or their chaotic nature, it is important you cover yourself in this situation by documenting their decisions.

You don’t like your boss’s management style or strategy: Ensure your performance goals are consistent with their expectations by reviewing them together. Ask your boss how you can better align with their strategic vision or performance expectations, and try your best to understand what they are trying to accomplish. Make updates to your performance goals with them in the room, or while sharing your screen so they can see what you both have agreed upon. Get their buy-in documented.

Do you have any other ideas or suggestions based on your boss relationship analysis?

Oftentimes, if you stay solution and outcome-focused in interactions with your boss, you can manage up while managing your sanity… and your career.  The best advice I have received on this topic is, your career will continue past this boss.