the gaslighter // kendra@lmk

When I started LMK, I expected the stories to be directed towards general personal improvement areas. However, I realized there were a lot of work-related interactions and stories I was having day-to-day which would not fit into the neat box of these improvement areas. These are one-off anecdotes, the approach I used, and the lessons I learned. -kendra@lmk

the gaslighter

The workplace requires what I call – “personality navigation.” It comes with the territory of any workplace, or really any forum where people exist. However, there is no excuse for an office bully or manipulator. The workplace should be a psychologically safe place. Unfortunately, it often is not.

disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional, so if you are having serious issues with a person or situation, please seek the appropriate help.

A quick google search will define gaslighting behaviors as “manipulating someone so as to make them question their own reality.” Like all other manipulative behaviors, it is extremely difficult to deal with a gaslighter in the workplace. The motivations of someone who is gaslighting their coworkers can vary drastically based on the individual.

The term gaslighting is so named because of the 1944 movie Gaslight. This movie is considered a classic – and look how it is still defining us in the modern age.

How do you respond to someone at work who is gaslighting you?

Like any workplace bully, I personally like to challenge the reaction they are trying to get out of me by standing my ground, not showing emotion, and orienting the conversation back to a topic I can control. At times, this could take a lot of courage. Other times, it is surprisingly easy. These are some actual scenarios I have encountered at work with a notorious gaslighter and the response I gave.

Gaslighter: People are saying these negative things about you and your team.

Response: Please let these people know that they can come talk to me directly about that. They know where to find me.

In this scenario, the gaslighter wants you to jump at the criticism with a reaction and reach out to the people who are “saying negative things.” In the case that you’re being gaslit, then no one is saying anything negative and the gaslighter is lying. If someone does have a problem with you, your project, or your team, they can find you to discuss it. You do not have to get worked up about office rumors or chase them down. 

Gaslighter: I had to put my job on the line to protect you and your team from what people are saying.

Response: I appreciate that. However, next time, please bring issues to me to deal with.

In this scenario, the gaslighter is trying to convince you that someone is saying something negative about you, but now, the gaslighter is trying to be seen as a hero who is out to help you. Again, if someone does have a problem about you, your project, or your team, they can find you to discuss it. By allowing the gaslighter to “help” you, you are giving them power that they will certainly use against you later. And again, if the gaslighter is telling the truth in this scenario, it is best if you deal with it directly anyway.

Gaslighter: I talked about this earlier with you but I did not get a response. I wanted to ask again now that we have a larger audience about this subject.

Response: We discussed this before and I provided my answer as “No” in writing through email. Please let me know if you need me to resend the email in which I documented the decision.

In this scenario, this behavior is erring towards undermining, as well as gaslighting. The gaslighter is denying the conversation, the decision, and the email, and also is addressing a group for a decision when you are the decision maker, effectively undermining your authority. Being firm and direct here and sticking by your decision is key. Likely, the larger audience on the call respects your decision. And if they do not, you can suggest taking it offline in an audience without the gaslighter to gain buy-in to a final decision.

Lucky for us, and the workplace bully depicted in my stories, Merriam Webster also named “Gaslighting” their word of the year 2022.

And like every single other workplace bully interaction – saying “OK,” putting up an internal emotional defense wall, and not responding beyond that is sometimes all you need to do. The workplace bully or gaslighter will realize their manipulation technique does not work on you, and they’ll go elsewhere. These are just some tactics that can be useful to dissuade a gaslighter, but unfortunately there are many more possible gaslighter scenarios. If you have a team of direct reports who are also exposed to the gaslighter, you might need to coach them in these techniques as well, or ask them to let you know when they are exposed to this gaslighting behavior.

If the manipulative behavior is out of control, affecting your work environment, and wearing on you, you should talk to someone in a leadership position about the problem, or consider a new role away from the gaslighter if possible.